anchored deep

 (Don Emert/AFP/Getty Images)

It's been quite a few years ago that I read a chapter in a book by Max Lucado (can't remember which one... Six Hours one Friday, maybe?) that has stuck with me. In that chapter he shares the advice given to boat owners on how to secure their vessels for a storm as an analogy to weathering personal storms (spiritual or otherwise). The counsel? Anchor the boat well and deep. That doesn't mean bury the anchor deeply in sand, but to anchor in water so deep that the storm raging above won't disturb the hold the anchor has on the ocean floor. Assuming the anchor line is sturdy, whatever tossing and thrashing the vessel takes on the surface in the storm, the anchor will hold and the vessel will remain intact, ready to sail another day.

I was reminded of that wisdom when I saw the above photo taken during Hurricane Sandy. Alas, this boat was not anchored deep, and it is likely to be beyond repair by the time the ravages of Sandy have left it in tatters among the rocks, with its remnant-debris swept who-knows-where.

It is a timely reminder. I am finding these to be tough, stormy days as I work to sort out what direction my life might take. Earlier chapters of my life where vocational challenges have been front, center and demanding caution me against taking known and safe routes toward securing a paycheck. I have reached a point of feeling comfortable with relying on that hard-won lesson. I am also reminded of the journey of Parker Palmer, another seeker who learned from a vocational turning point when a mentor pointed out to him that even though way may not open, way closing was also helpful.

The aforementioned comfort can sometimes lure me toward the complacency of inaction, but rude awakenings jolt me toward taking the steps necessary to move forward, onward (quoting Tom Ryan again). Going through the mail that accumulated while we were away at Melrose last week was a long-overdue statement from my 401(k). When I moved from Sewanee the paperwork somehow didn't keep up with me, and that has finally been rectified. This morning I stared in disbelief at the balance in the account, now one tenth of its value several years ago. This retirement "nest egg" was to have softened the blow of a life of limited financial gains when the "R" era came calling. I am crushed to discover the value so diminished, so insufficient. The burden to earn during the remaining ten (ish) years of my work life now weighs heavier than ever and I feel overwhelmed.

Breathe, I remind myself. Remember the source of my strength, deep below the surface of this pressing and present storm. I am weary of being tossed during too many years of upheaval and transition, and long for calm and wind filling my sail rather than battering the vessel of my being. I know God is good. I know I will be okay because I am anchored deep. I know, too, that I am tired. I strain for the words of Julian, that all will be well.

Prayers, as ever, are appreciated and cherished.

friday five: gettin' my random on!

Coming a little late to the game today, but it's Friday, and that means a Friday Five from RevGals! Here's today's edition lead-in:

I don't know about you, but this fall has been incredibly FULL, and time is flying faster than I can keep track of it!

So, first things first. 
Take a moment, and take 5 deep slow breaths...
One....
Two...
Three...
Four...
Five....

Well, I feel more centered now.
So, let's get on with a Random Friday Five.

1. Tell us a moment of blessing that you have experienced in the past week.

Hands down, my blessing this week was was a Dunkin' Donuts meeting with a mom-of-three nursing student at a local university.  She has an autistic son who I learned about last year when the family was raising money to get a service dog for Barrett. Zach the dog joined the family last December, but then died unexpectedly in April from a muscular disease no one saw coming. My heart broke when I learned about this recently, and since service dogs and people who benefit from their presence is something close to my heart I wanted to do something to help. A mutual friend set up the meeting with Tammy (the mom), and we brainstormed ideas for raising money for a new dog. Tammy and her husband also want to pay forward the blessing they have already experienced through Zach, and collect money to contribute to another family who would benefit from a service dog for an autistic child. We talked about the potential for setting up a charity to do this on an ongoing basis, and different ways that their family's experience could return the blessing ten-fold (and more) to others.  To allow Tammy and her family to focus on the family's more immediate needs I offered to put together the fundraiser and do some legwork on setting up the charity.  I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help a family in a way that warms my heart and allows me to put my time toward making a difference in someone's life. And, hopefully, multiple someones.

2. Share the first thing/story that comes to mind when you read "When I was a child..."

 (the real thing)

Besides the verse from Corinthians (didn't we all think of that?)... I thought of a collection of little things that I cherish: my Dad cutting up our grilled cheese sandwiches like a puzzle and then mixing up the pieces so that we could put the sandwich back together; summer suppers at the picnic table on the brick patio in our back yard; setting up jumps by laying brooms across bushes and pretending we were on horseback as we cantered around the back yard; licking the beaters when mom made birthday cakes; the list goes on...

3, 4, and 5. If you were the host of a t.v. talk show, what three people would you like to interview on your first show, and what would you ask them.

Seriously, I'm pretty good at dissing interviewers who ask really lame questions of their guests ("How did it feel?" -- really?), but I'm drawing blanks on this at the moment.

How about this. I would try to find a child, a teenager, and an older person, and ask them questions about their dreams, their happy place, their special memories, and whatever else would make them feel like they were the most important, most treasured, most valued person in the world.

the path of change

Yesterday's post about change afforded an opportunity to refer to the fact that I see a career change in the offing. There is a lot that I could say about what got me to this point of recognition, but rather than look back, let's look forward. Unlike true, magnetic north, there is no distinct destination point on which to set my compass. There are signposts, yes. But as my mother might venture to say about a trip we took together in Scotland many moons ago, just because there are an abundance of signs to Fort William doesn't mean you will ever get there. (On our travels Fort William was never the destination, but there were plenty of opportunities for it to become so!) Contemporary wisdom is that the destination isn't what is important, but the journey. While there is truth in that wisdom, a destination can be critical to being on a journey at all. Anyway...

I have been recognizing the consistency of some signposts for several weeks, and as I listen to my soul's response to them what I hear is the steady heartbeat of inner life and connection. I decided to pay close attention and explore what the signposts were telling me. Before sharing further, let me disclaim that what I am sharing here is what I have learned so far. As I noted yesterday, this is a process of listening and discerning, and it has already taken a couple of twists. Who knows how many more lie ahead?

Let me toss out the first bone to temper your curiosity. Even that is a clue! It has to do with dogs. "Ah..." I hear you say to yourself, and you're probably nodding. Yes? If you've been with me for any length of time then you know I have a big ol' heart for dogs. 

You will also know that I have a tender place for veterans and our men and women serving in the military. I am indebted to a facebook page called Dog Bless You for making me aware of programs that provide, or pair, service dogs to disabled vets, many of whom suffer from PTSD. I've been following Dog Bless You for a while, and love the pictures they post showing the bond between these service dogs and their companions (two pictures accompanying this post come from DBY's stash). In recent months they've been sharing pictures and snippets from various other facebook groups around the country that do the actual training and pairing for these canine-vet duos. As a result of those posts I've begun following several of them, an act that is apparent to friends with whom I connect on facebook since I ultimately end up sharing photos or stories that move or humor me.

The combination of these two interests of mine are providing a very natural signpost for me to follow in terms of investing myself in finding answers to the question, "what now, or next?" I've been exploring, researching, networking and learning about service dogs and training, and programs that support providing these dogs to vets. It is a vehicle for a vocation that makes a lot of sense for me. It also carries some challenges, not the least of which is that I have no significant experience training dogs, and none training service dogs. As I see it, however, that isn't an obstacle, just information with which to work.

At this point in this process that really sums up where I am at the moment. I don't necessarily have answers, but I do have information. Every day I uncover an additional piece of information, either about a training/pairing program, or about myself. Ideas pop up and I spend some time considering them. Some have potential, some provide information that help me hone the process and make some choices. As the saying goes, it's all good. 

I'll spare you the details of my cogitation, but at least now you have a glimpse of this first chapter of the story of where I believe I am headed. To borrow from the author of Following Atticus, Tom Ryan likes to say, "Onward, by all means." I'll keep you posted.

friday five: how do you spell "change?"

At RevGals Martha invites us to "answer these five questions about change."

1) Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and seen yourself with surprise? Why?

Sure. I think we carry images of ourselves in our head that don't necessarily jibe with reality. For instance, I think of myself as thinner than I actually am--so those mirror reality checks? Yikes! I am generally a realistic person, but hope also springs eternal in my soul, so I take this as a good sign that I have a healthier self-image than the physical match-up actually suggests. I suppose this could be denial, but I don't think so. This also prompts some inspiration to do something about the weight, although taking action is another matter entirely! 

2) Have you ever witnessed a change in routine at church that upset people? (Hahahahaha!!!! I know you have!)

How much time do you have? You name it--resistance ensues.

3) Have you ever been surprised or inconvenienced by a change in a public setting (not church)?

Change is constant. The Latest inconvenience is the addition of traffic lights at busy intersections in town.  Next week it will be something else.  The change that frustrated me most was when a local store changed its Saturday hours to being open every other Saturday, and would close at noon. What? I worked out of town and during the week they closed at 4 pm, so Saturday was the only day I could shop there.  I understand that privately owned businesses are free to make decisions to suit the lives of their owner and staff, but this one really seemed to set the business up for failure.  That sound you hear is me, banging my head against the wall.

4) Has the passage of time changed your understanding of something you used to think you knew for sure?

I'm not sure that I have held that I knew anything for sure, although the thing about which I was most confident was knowledge of myself. What I have learned in a new way is that who we are evolves and shifts through life. Before you say, "duh!" let me put it this way. Some years ago I overheard two recently retired men catching up with one another, and one of them said, "when I had the interest (in whatever the subject was) I didn't have time for it. Now I have the time and I no longer have the interest." I have discovered that this kind of change does, in fact, happen, and I didn't expect it. It's a bit sobering.

5) Is there something you're trying to change, or want to change, in your life right now?

It looks like I am changing careers.  The loss of my job, crappy as that is, also creates the opportunity to switch gears. I am listening to my heart first, and it is steering me in a new direction.  It is proving to be a really fascinating process and experience, both exhilarating and frightening. All I can really say at this point is, "stay tuned!"

seven things

My friend Dana has invited fellow bloggers to list seven random things about ourselves. I did this a while ago, but that was then, and this is Thursday!

So without further ado...

1) Mere moments ago I burned my finger using a glue gun. Ken and I are making a crown for a dear friend who has a birthday on Saturday. She has spent the last 4+ months in the hospital or a rehab facility, and we want her to feel special. We glued little bead trim around the crown points, etc., which was an exercise in painstakingness and tedium. It looks cool, though!

2) It's a sacrifice to type with a burned finger. Just sayin'.

3) We have made some really amazing recipes from Pampered Chef's "Great Grilling Recipes" cookbook in the past week. I mean, really, really good eats. Just $15 and you won't regret the purchase! I believe you know how to make contact with a consultant to order one.

4) I made dog biscuits for the first time the other day! I don't know why I resisted making them for so long--they're not hard to make, use ingredients on hand, and are edible! For heaven's sake, there's peanut butter in the recipe! The dogs even like them, which is sort of the whole point, so I'm chalking this one up in the victory column! Yay, rah! And, yes, that is the dog biscuit bowl.

5) When I was in high school I was such a zealous Montreal Canadiens fan (NHL) that I dated my papers by the players names. For instance, Yvan Cournoyer wore #12, and Guy LaFleur #10, so on December 10 my notes would be dated: Cournoyer/LaFleur. 

6) We're trying to make changes to our eating habits to get healthier, and among those changes is doing our own popcorn. Paper bag in the microwave, yessiree! A little tweaking is in order, but so far we are pretty darn happy with the results. Save money, eat healthier, that's the name of the game!

7) I woke up this morning filled with anxiety. My last paycheck will get us through this month, but then? I am trying hard to focus on the day to day, and what I can do to move my life forward to find a job that is a good fit. It is a frustrating quest since there aren't natural job niches out there for my particular interests (and sets of skills--that's for you, Michael and Dana!).  I swing between feeling hope and feeling the outlying twinges of despair.  This morning the latter had its grip on me, and the day has been dreadful. A nap didn't help.  Looking at sheep and puppy pictures didn't help! Cuddling my own dogs isn't helping.  My prayers feel old and tired, but I offer them up anyway.  We're trying yet another recipe from the above cookbook tonight, so at least I am anticipating some great food! And betting on tomorrow. A new day, a fresh start, maybe take Juliet for a walk first thing in the morning.  I don't like this feeling and I want it to Go. Away!

Here's to tomorrow, y'all!

friday five: randomness abounds!

As part of the RevGals Friday Five, today's adventure is full of randomness. Jump in!

1. What is one of the best things that happened to you this week?
Reconnecting with someone with whom I recently suffered a damaged relationship (my fault). I am so thankful to be on the road to restoration and healing.

2. If you were in a Ms., Miss, Mr. (name your country) Pageant, what would your talent be?
When I was in grade school this was actually a perpetual conversation at the lunch table. As I recall, most of us denied having any talent and concluded that we would wiggle our toes.  All grown up (chronologically speaking, of course), I don't lay claim to pageant-worthy talent. But in the spirit of the question I'll don the "Miss North Pole" sash and wrap gifts without using scotch tape and tying bows that don't have knots. That is something I do with all my gifts south of the North Pole.

3.  You were just given a YACHT!!! What would you name it, and why?
I love this question! I really enjoy coming up with names for things, whether it's my dogs, the name of a program, title of a blog post... This one, however, has caught me off guard. Off the cuff I would want to play on the notion of my "ship coming in," so today the name of my yacht is "Arrived." That could change by tomorrow after I've had time to think about this some more! I'm a moderation kind of girl, so this smaller version would suit me just fine. I guess the Cabana Boy is off fetching our lunch while my companion and I are taking a dip.

4.  If you were to perform in a circus, what would you do?  
Invite all the kids to come love all over the animals. Behind the scenes I would make sure they were properly cared for. 

5.  What do you have in your bag/wallet/backpack that best describes your personality?
A book of sudoku puzzles. Gotta keep those little grey cells firing on all cylinders!  

 

friday five: help!

At RevGals Martha writes: This time last Friday I was on my way to the airport to pick up your usual host for first Friday Five. We had a mighty to-do list for the Labor Day weekend, and her accomplishments were so far beyond impressive as to be heroic. A dumpster is now full of water-damaged junk from my basement.

This was not a job I could have accomplished by myself. I had to ask for help.

I hate to ask for help. I love to give it. You may identify with these feelings.

So, for this Friday Five, please list four ways you have been helped when you didn't want to ask for it and one way you had a chance to help that meant a lot to you.

1) Speaking of wet basements, years ago I moved from Indiana (land of my alma mater and first real adult job) back to Connecticut, the land of my birth. I moved in with my father, who had room in his house and a fenced yard for my dog. During my tenure there an early season hurricane swept through, dumping torrential rain and flooding the basement of dad's house. Oh, and while this was happening dad was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. The water in the basement would recede, but in the meantime there was wet and damaged stuff submerged there that needed retrieval and disposal. Enter my beau, who without having to be asked rolled up his sleeves, donned the requisite waterproof boots and slogged through the mess to empty the basement debris. Hero status, henceforth and forever more!

2) When I moved to St. Louis to accept a call as associate rector I arrived with all my belongings, two dogs, and no place to live. A staff member at the church opened her home to me and my entourage, where we stored my things in her basement (dry!), and lived for three months until I bought and closed on my own home. Did I mention that one of those dogs was six months old at the time and chewing everything in sight? I could never repay the kindness and tolerance of that hospitality and am eternally grateful for it.

3) While at that same call in St. Louis I suffered a shattered heel one Thanksgiving weekend. After surgery I was non weight-bearing for four months, and for the first several weeks was confined to the couch with "toes above the nose." An army of parishioners brought meals, did my laundry, brought catalogs from which to shop for Christmas, mailed packages, delivered a Christmas tree and decked it out with my ornaments, took my dog to the vet (he was undergoing treatment for cancer), and in general saved my sanity. It was humbling (and necessary!) to receive the help, but I also learned from that experience how much people want to and are glad to be helpful.

4) When the last church I was serving could no longer afford to pay me and my bishop was less than enthusiastic about my priestly vocation, he offered to pay for several sessions with a noted career coach in my area. There are a lot of things that could be said about that entire episode of transition out of the Church, but the focus of this post is the help he offered. It was life-changing, and as I am in yet another period of transition in life the work I did with the coach is proving exceedingly beneficial and liberating. 

5) It's always meaningful to help someone in need, but oddly those occasions aren't logged in a quickly retrievable part of my brain. The occasion that does come to mind happened a few years ago while driving from Tennessee to St. Louis to visit friends. I was on the interstate in Kentucky, and spotted ahead of me what appeared to be a huge lump in the middle of the road. As I got nearer it looked like a dog, alive because it was holding its head up. I pulled off the road, ventured to the dog to check its status, kept an eye on approaching traffic and then carried the dog to the other side of the road. There wasn't any blood, but I didn't know how to check for injury or damage. Shortly another car pulled over, the driver a K9 handler with the Knoxville police department. I was willing to take the dog with me to St. Louis (one of my best friends there is a veterinarian), but Dan was covering a shorter distance to his destination and he offered to see to the dog's care. It turned out that the dog had dislocated his shoulder, and Dan's mother adopted him and named him Spencer. Dan and I were in touch for several years, and we even had lunch when I was driving through Knoxville once upon a time. It's time to look him up again.

the comfort zone

A little more than a year ago I recall reading a quote that stuck with me. "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." I liked it. Liked it so well that a few weeks later when I was talking with a student about how she might get members of her student organization to try new things in order to make membership more meaningful, I commended this quote to her as relevant to her organization and their plight. 

This morning I am looking at that quote in a new light. I understand, and agree fully, that staying in our comfort zone--that place where our norms, our habits, our viewpoints are familiar and unchanging--can stunt us. It's hard to make new discoveries in a place that doesn't expose us to new thoughts, ideas or experiences.  We may be content to remain where we know what to expect, and where our choices serve us. 

It has been my experience in life that when I risk stepping beyond the boundaries of what is known and safe I benefit from the experience.   Sometimes my boundary--my zone--expands to incorporate a new idea or ritual. Other times I find that what lies beyond does not serve my needs or enrich my life. Not every experience will, or should be life-changing. When we taste something new we may find that it is sweet or bitter or on our tongue.

Yesterday I was invited by a friend/acquaintance to attend a training meeting for members of her direct sales team. I've spoken with her several times about the opportunity her business offers, and lord knows that since I no longer have a paycheck the need for some income is great. The potential of what can be achieved and earned through Sandy's company is tempting. In less than three short years in this business she is earning more than $20,000 a month. And she's happy.

I'm familiar with direct sales. I've lived the regimen for the last five years as a consultant with The Pampered Chef. I love PC. Love the products, love the perks, think the training is second to none, and the support I receive from my director and other team members is beyond sufficient to succeed. The Pampered Chef provides all the tools for me to do well and become its poster child. The only thing standing in the way of banking a big commission check is me. 

Here's the bald truth. I don't "do well" with my PC business. There are aspects of working with customers and promoting the products where I excel. But the nitty gritty, nuts and bolts parts that stand in my way are outside of my comfort zone. We're encouraged to step outside that zone, to push ourselves to take the steps that will lead to success. Can I do it? Of course. But I hate how the effort to dig down to find the energy and the courage to perform the necessary tasks makes me feel. To paraphrase another quote that has circulated and become popular, it's like asking a fish to climb a tree. No matter how badly that fish may want to climb that tree, it just isn't equipped to do so. 

I am not equipped for direct sales. As I listened to the encouragement and motivation Sandy offered yesterday to her team and the guests present, I knew that it would be a mistake to sign on. I'm already living outside of my comfort zone selling Pampered Chef. What I take away from that experience is that my "limits" are confirmed, my deficits highlighted. I am reminded that when I play to my strengths my life is richer and happier, and I have energy that enables me to offer the best of who I am to the world. 

Life doesn't begin at the end of our comfort zone. Rather, at that fuzzy edge between comfort and risk we have the opportunity to examine that zone, to consider how what lies beyond might transform and empower us, or cause us to seek retreat. The willingness to step beyond is critical. Staying there is not always to our advantage. The discomfort of being out of our zone is also instructive.

My present circumstances require my presence in the territory of the unknown and yet-to-be-revealed. It serves me well to step outside my comfort zone and listen for what the world has to offer as well as to heed what I already know. I have put my hand into the hand of God, whose wisdom is sufficient and whose guidance I trust. That is the only zone I really need.

fun times ahead!

Timing is everything.

Yesterday I popped over to facebook to see what updates had been posted since my last visit, and there at the top was a note from Nashville Paw Magazine that they had a vendor opening for their annual Barktoberfest event this fall. First one to get in touch would get the opening!

I emailed immediately and said I'd take the spot, and I'm in! I don't ordinarily enjoy booth opportunities at events as a way to conjure up customers for my Pampered Chef business, but I love the idea of being at this dog-friendly and -focused gathering. I can fuss over people's dogs, share the love, and say, "did you know that our Silicone Mat is the perfect tool for rolling out dough for dog biscuits?" Barktoberfest's theme this year is Vintage Halloween Carnival, and we're encouraged to decorate our booths (and ourselves) accordingly.

I'm not particularly inclined toward vintage or carnival themes most days of the week, but I have to say that after scoping out the ideas on Pinterest I am beyond excited about the possibilities. In fact, I have too many ideas to implement, and will have to work hard to restrain myself and narrow down my choices.

Since this is an outdoor event we (Ken has been alerted that I will need his help) will be using the EZ-Up "tent." Here are a few keepers:

These will be clustered inside the EZ-Up. Change the colors to black, orange and purple (and maybe that lovely neon lime-green), and decorate the balloons with paw print designs.

Pole curtains!  The curtains at the corners will cover the metal posts as well as the gizmos we employ as weights to keep the thing from getting upended by wind. Been there! The EZ-Up has only four poles, which will make life considerably easier for decorating purposes. Halloween fabric will be employed. Flowers will not. It may be possible to decorate the top of the EZ-Up somehow, although I'm thinking that may be taking this a bit too far.  We'll see. Ken's willingness and enthusiasm to make it happen may be a determining factor. I also need to be careful to avoid creating a "big top" look, since Nashville Paw is clear that we are not emulating circus themes (because of animal abuse issues).

A decorated pumpkin with "The Pampered Chef" written on it, and paw prints instead of dots. Not sure what I will put on top, but I'll think of something!

A cluster of pinwheels (in Halloween paper) displayed in a Pampered Chef product (not sure yet which one).

And so much more! Bunting, a ring-toss game (the prize will be a specially printed recipe of dog treats prepared using Pampered Chef products), bags of dog treats for sale, a guess-how-many-candy-corn-pieces-are-in-the-jar opportunity, soda bottles filled with Halloween-colored water...

My biggest challenge? Figuring out what my costume should be! I've got some time, and I will start working on putting together my pinwheels, getting fabric, balloons and what-not. But I'm psyched. Are you having fun with me?

Time to get out the new fall catalog and go through it to make some decisions about what products to have on display, and what I will offer as a give-away. This is going to be a blast!

the next blank page, part 2

Writing is a time-consuming proposition. This is probably a good thing as it serves to weed out those who are less committed to the art of communicating through the written word. It is an art and a craft, and it most certainly requires commitment. If one is going to take the time and make the commitment to write, the result may as well be something that matters.

It's been 21 years and almost 11 months since the idea for this book suggested itself to me. I can be precise about its genesis because it took place within the first 24 hours of my nephew's life. I've written of this before, but to save all of us the trouble of trying to recollect when and where, I will repeat myself!

Jesse was born late on a Saturday night. The next morning my brother Jamie made the appointed calls to members of the family to announce that "he's heeeere..." and we galvanized to pay a visit to this first member of the next generation of our family. My mother, then living in Westchester County, NY, drove into Manhattan to pick up my grandmother and the two of them motored to Connecticut to greet the newborn. We all converged at the hospital late in the morning where we oohed and aahed at Jesse through the glass partition of the nursery, and my grandmother proclaimed that he was "trying himself out." Indeed he was.

In due time we decided that Barbara needed to get some rest and have some respite from the crush of family, so we parted company and headed back to their home. The detail of why Jamie rode with me is now a part of the ether, but it doesn't matter. I drove through town and turned left off the main drag to wend my way via back roads, avoiding traffic lights and congestion. I knew this route because I am blessed with the "good sense of direction" gene, and because I also have the gene that likes to be efficient in most aspects of life. Knowing the most direct route between two points is just one of those things that I determine as quickly as most people blink.

As I made that left hand turn I noted from the corner of my eye that Jamie was nodding with a smile and approval. Shortly he offered, "There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who do and those who don't." I knew immediately what he meant. Jamie and I may not be on the same wavelength on every subject, but we are related, after all, and carry the same aforementioned genes. While his do and don't reference was inspired by my navigation it went beyond directions and shortcuts. It included as well the tendency to pay attention, whether to details, actions, or as a consumer of knowledge. It also meant drawing on what we learn by paying attention to guide decisions and take action.

As we drove the remaining minutes to the house I reflected on his observation, and the way that the phrase "there are two kinds of people" can be used. To note that one person is of one view or inclination and another holds a different view can be used to suggest that one is right and the other wrong. Sometimes this is employed humorously, like the take, "There are two kinds of people: those who like bacon and those who are wrong." At other times intimidation is the goal, "There are two kinds of people who understand Marines: Marines and their enemy." Mostly it seems that the phrase is put to work justifying one's preferences with a subtle, defensive tone: "There are two kinds of people in the world, and one of them puts ketchup on their eggs." Most of the time "two kinds of people" seems to emphasize differences, and in a way, division.

As a person who was raised to respect differences between and among people and who has learned to value those differences, I see "two kinds of people" as an opportunity to bridge the difference gap with understanding. Years ago a friend and I were discussing our teaching styles. We employed different methods in our teaching, and this had resulted in some conflict. After some lengthy conversation she finally sighed and said, "I need to remind myself that you don't think like I do." I took her words to mean that she felt she was unsuccessful at persuading me to her viewpoint, the "right" viewpoint. All along I thought we were trying to understand one another and learn from each other.

Because it matters to me to work toward understanding different points of view, using "two kinds of people" as a framework to consider our differences in a new light is where I would like to go with my book. In the next few days I'll share a reflection on a "two kinds of people" observation, and I would like to invite your thoughts about what "two kinds of people" pop up in your life and world. 

How about it, are you game? Or are you the kind of person who doesn't like to play. (Wink).

the next blank page, part 1

No matter how long I live it is probably safe to say that I am past the half-way point. At 55, 110 seems not only suspect but undesirable! As I consider how I want to spend the rest of my work life--likely another ten years--I am also taking a look at other goals I have held for my life over the years. I am aware that although I can say, "there's lots of time ahead of me" to accomplish certain things, the reality is that it's time to apply a realistic assessment to what matters most and what can be released from my pocket of dreams.

This is about more than updating a list. It is about taking stock of my life in very real terms, and determining how I want to spend the days that remain, and what significance I want them to hold. There's a lot that goes into such a reflection, and to do justice to the effort all sorts of nooks and crannies must be explored and examined. Truth be told, this is an exercise not for the faint of heart!

One of the things that inspires my thinking is the story of a little dog named Atticus and his human companion, Tom. I wrote a couple of months ago about the delight I found in the book Following Atticus, and some of the introspection that Tom Ryan's story prompted me to do. I continue to follow Atticus and Tom (and Will, another member of their family) on facebook and on Tom's blog. I resonate a great deal with his perspective and world view, and feel challenged to hone my own life so that the values I hold within are reflected without. 

I've not been particularly successful when it comes to that latter desire. There's a country music song that contains the lyric "I've come to terms with my vanity," and in that same vein a part of the inner work I've done has led me to come to terms with what I call my deficits. I can always try harder, always look for ways to move in the direction of self-improvement, but at the same time I know that some things that have been out of my grasp probably will continue to be so. Part of taking stock means taking into account the things that get in the way, and I have concluded that there are times when the effort to try overcome those obstacles is better spent going around them. This approach is compatible with the notion of playing to one's strengths, something I also wrote about recently. 

Back to the desire to reflect outwardly the glow of my inward being. Without boring you with the whole process of how I came to consider the following possibility, I will simply share it with you. I think I will tackle a book. Not a novel, because I think that the one that is drastically unfinished within me is likely to remain so, but a collection of reflections. One of the things I do well is reflect, and the vehicle I often use for that process is writing. I have been encouraged to write. And although there are a couple of topics that have actually found some grounding with me, one in particular seems to be working its way into my consciousness for a serious conversation.

More on that in the next post. Consider this one its introduction.

variation on a theme

This morning I was scrolling through an email from a cross stitch source to which I subscribe, and this lovely opportunity came into view. Well hello, Anne of Cleves! After which I thought, "why in the world would anyone want to stitch a portrait of Anne?" I've already confessed to being enamored of the intricacies of the life of Henry VIII, including his wives (Anne being number four), but still...

Being a person for whom possibilities are fun to consider, however, I began to do just that. Here's a sample of my considering:

Find portraits of all six wives and cross stitch them to make into pillows. Be the first among your friends to have a Tudor-themed living room! Note: the patterns exist! And here's my favorite, though I can't begin to think why someone would spend hours upon hours stitching this to completion. Clearly, someone has. -->

Find portraits of other famous Annes to cross stitch and group the framed collection on a wall in your house. Or garage. Or bathroom. So far Anne Frank, Anne Hathaway, Queen Anne, Anne of Green Gables come to mind. That's a fairly diverse group carrying such a distinguished name!

Find portraits of other noble women of history who didn't lose their dignity, even if they did lose their royal spouse.

Identify famous persons to whom your own family tree has some connection. One of my ancestors helped negotiate the marriage between Henry and Anne of Cleves! I'm just realizing this makes me two historic degrees of separation from Henry.  Be still my heart!

Write a dissertation on the queen and frame her portrait in a shadow box with a copy of your manuscript.

Cross stitch a Tudor tapestry to hang on the wall. 

Okay, I've given this a really first rate attempt to think creatively. I'm sure that with the other great minds out there who come here for various reasons we can really beat the band with exceptional ideas. I hope you'll share yours!

lightening up

I don't know about you, but I could use a lighter tone today. My heart has been pretty heavy the last several days and something a bit more carefree feels in order.

I went back to the blog with the list of 30 ideas for conversation (or blog posts), and they are really more serious than I want to be for this post. Except maybe one: If you could have dinner with anyone in history who would it be, and what would you serve?

This used to be a regular question as part of the celebrity interview on the last page of each issue of Bon Appetit magazine. Consequently, I am prepared for this question. 

I have two answers. I have the one I came up with all those years ago courtesy of Bon Appetit, and another one because I am reconsidering my original, long-held answer, courtesy of Bon Appetit.

The first answer is Henry VIII. Bet you didn't expect that! I got quite fascinated with Henry and the saga of his many wives ages ago when Masterpiece Theater aired a series called, oddly enough, The Six Wives of Henry VIII. I was 13. This was also the era when I became absolutely infatuated with Franco Zeffirelli's production of Romeo and Juliet, and I memorized essentially the entire play by listening to the recording of the movie over and over and over again. (This is one reason I so readily recall the prince's exhorting speech at the end that I have quoted a few times on the blog. It contains the phrase, "all are punish-ed!" I can still hear the precise delivery of that line in my head). Was it the costumes?

But I digress. Henry. As a result of the aforementioned exposure to this Tudor king I bought and read the novel The Autobiography of Henry VIII when it came out in 1998.  The novel treats Henry somewhat sympathetically compared to most historical perspectives, and  I became convinced by the novel that Henry got a very bad wrap from history. He had a brilliant theological mind and a complete and total devotion to England.  These two realities in his life are what drove his decisions, no matter how we might evaluate them. I came to appreciate the specific challenges he faced as a monarch, and how his theological training and beliefs came to bear as he tried to make decisions that would result in the best service to his country. Seeing Henry in this light, the opportunity to dine with him and talk about the issues intrigue me. 

Today, however, I see this a little differently. I still view Henry much more sympathetically than most, but I suspect that I would find him much more closed-minded than I give him credit for being, and that might not bode so well for an evening of lively exchanges. Then again, he was an outstanding athlete, poet, musician and charmer, so perhaps the original renaissance man might make a fabulous dinner companion. As to what I would serve him: I have no idea. Think he'd like pizza with pepperoni and onions?

My second choice is my great-grandmother, my mother's mother's mother, Sudie. By all accounts she was an extraordinary woman. Her faith was deep and sustaining, her mind astute and quick, and her devotion to her family and others whose lives were intertwined with her own was unyielding. I realize that this could describe many women of her era (1869-1938). Something I learned about her not long ago, however, puts a little flesh on those general bones: asked what she would have liked to do with her life had she not married, she answered that she would have enjoyed being a landscape architect. How cool! She also had a brilliant mathematical mind. And her daughters thought she was perfect. (No joke!) There are an assortment of other things I've been told about her, but sharing all of that would result in a full chapter. And that from never having met her!

Sudie's dinner is a little easier to imagine: fresh produce from the garden for a salad and from which to make soup (I'm thinking tomato basil); a goat cheese and kalamata olive tart with sun-dried tomatoes and balsamic vinegar; rotisserie chicken marinated with a shallot, mustard and herb vinaigrette; mushroom risotto (and I don't even like mushrooms); and for dessert, fresh South Carolina peaches drizzled with a champagne-raspberry reduction. Dang, now I'm hungry!

So there you have it. Who would you invite to dinner? And what would you serve?

mea culpa

My husband and I love the movie "The Blind Side." We enjoy the humor and the "feel good" aspects of it, but mostly we love it as an example of how the unexpected interactions and transactions of our lives have the potential to transform hearts and change lives in amazing ways. I wonder how often we miss the signs that, if they were to appear in reality would read, "Caution: God's Love at Work."

There is one scene in the movie, however, that always gives me pause. The family is situated in the bleachers for Micheal's first high school football game, and a parent from the opposing team shouts out less-than flattering remarks directed at Michael. Young S. J. Tuohy wants to respond, but his mother gives him a restraining pat on the knee and asserts with confidence, "Sticks and stones, S. J. Sticks and stones."

We all know to what she is referring. Who among us didn't grow up reciting those words in their fuller context as an attempt to ward off the sting of hurtful remarks intended to diminish us? Words most certainly have the power to inflict pain and cause heartache.

This morning I write this as a confessional post, because recently I was the one careless with words that inflicted pain on someone I love. It is never my intention to wound, and I am usually very careful with my words. I know better than to write something when I am upset that carries the potential for regret. On this occasion I failed my better angels, causing hurt and reaping the cost of that failure. For that I take responsibility, and suffer the weight of my sin.

It is humbling to be reminded that as I seek to contribute to the greater good beyond my own life and world, to shape a kinder and more expansive sphere where ideas can be exchanged and boundaries extended, I must also tend to the intimate environments where the impact of my choices is felt most keenly. It is imperative to love and enact justice from an integrated whole of heart and mind if my intentions and beliefs are to find meaning with the next word I speak or action I take in the world at large.

Words matter in every context. They have the power to influence, encourage, persuade, distort, inspire, demonize, denigrate, and yes, hurt. We can respond with laughter and tears, compassion and anger, resolution and resentment. Because the trajectory of what results from our words can lead to pain, brokenness and estrangement, it is incumbent upon us to strive at all times for reconciliation and grace, mercy and love.  

It is inevitable that our efforts from time to time will fail.  Standing this morning in the pool of that failure I seek forgiveness, reaching for the light and love of God that bestows the balm of healing. I learn and grow, and begin again.

big epiphany. BIG!

I never thought I would see the day that I would actually thank Mitt Romney for something, but just such an occasion occurred the other day on my way to work. Fed up with endless political coverage on the morning news, the sound of his voice prompted me to turn off the radio. In the ensuing silence I took up a not uncommon ritual that begins, "Well God, here we are..."

I don't publicize my years-long struggle with prayer that has left me groping for the deep connection with the divine that I used to enjoy and took for granted. It somehow seemed unseemly to admit that a priest just couldn't pray. I tried. When called upon I could muster up the connection and the words. But something broke a while ago and I have had trouble since then with prayer. 

A recent piece I saw on television that shared the results of a "prayer energy study" convinced me, however, that it was time to give it another whirl. So the other day while driving to work I whirled. In prayer, not on the road.

 

With anything significant happening in my life I strike up conversations with God. With changes on the horizon as I begin the journey of looking for a new job, it was a natural course of action. I jumped right in where I thought we had left off previously on the subject of vocation, namely: "Please! I need clarity and direction!" This has been a mantra of prayer for more than ten years, and it has been an intensely frustrating effort to hear any acknowledgement or response to my please.

And then the Holy Spirit nudged my mind to wander a bit. Crafty bugger, she is. My thoughts went back 25 years (gracious!) to a card I received from a friend that read: "God loves us for who we are, not for who we are supposed to be," or words to that effect. Inside the card she had written, "sometimes those two are not far apart." My mind considered that wisdom, and on reflection landed on this: I already knew everything I needed to know about what to do next and what direction to follow. Trust that. 

I was reminded of the story about the believer who prayed to God about two choices before him. He appealed to the almighty for guidance making the choice, saying, "this option has all of these benefits, all of which would be wonderful. The other option has those benefits, all of which would be wonderful. Which should I choose?" To which God replied, "either one would be fine with me."

The epiphany is that God has given me all that I need to move forward. I don't need to wait on guidance that has been there all along, I simply need to heed the wisdom of what I already know. Self-awareness is, after all, one of the gifts God gave me. Use it, for heaven's sake!

I can't tell you what a relief it is to come to this understanding, and how it has opened a door to listening in a new way to what I know about myself.  Now the work begins to piece together the knowledge I have and seek opportunities that will draw on the fullness of who I am and what I have to offer.  

Stay tuned. And have a great week.

door closed

One wait is over and another begins.

I learned yesterday that I will not be staying on in my job. Yes, it sucks. There is a long list of reasons why this job has been such a good fit for me, so it is hard to pack up my things and go home (in two weeks) and see it go to someone else, no matter how qualified. Plain and simple, it hurts.

This morning, and probably for the next several days (if not longer), I will dance between grief and the necessary gear shift into anticipation and looking ahead to whatever comes next. I am grateful that the facebook responses to this news have stuck to sympathy or positive encouragement about the next chapter. I braced myself for the "everything happens for a reason" line and was prepared to delete it. I don't share that view (except along cause and effect lines, like "the road is wet because it rained") and am not in a mood to indulge it. I am particularly grateful for those who understand that I am in a place of hurt and allow me the grace to be here. I will move on soon enough.

So I am back to intense discernment, a very frustrating place to be because I have been in constant discernment for years. Years!  I am torn, somewhat raggedly, about seeking work related to the Church. When I attend worship I find it painful to be in the pew. God did not call me to sit there, and that call renews itself when I do. At the same time parish work has been consistently unsatisfying in too many ways to want to entertain that possibility. Add to that a fractured relationship with my bishop and the way appears strewn with more obstacles than encouragement.

I am so weary of being in a place weighed down with a lack of clarity. At the same time I cannot afford to be still (I am not referring to spiritual stillness--that is a must!). Financially there is no room to go without a paycheck. Practically, in this economy, any gap in employment hurts my chances to gain employment. And for the sake of my confidence, self-promotion and a daily effort to secure work is de rigueur. Starting today--the need to grieve notwithstanding--positive thinking is moving to the front of the line of thoughts. No pushing or shoving by other kinds of thoughts will be tolerated.

Here's my strategy, and I'm inviting anyone who so chooses to join my strategy team. Feel free to assign yourself a job title: something like Encourager in Chief sounds good. Be creative!

1) Pray. Hop on the prayer wagon!
2) Listen.
3) Make some choices about the kind of work I want to seek.
4) Network. I've got a flatbed lined up to accommodate people who will help me network.
5) Remain open to the possibilities (this is actually easy--fits right into my Meyers-Briggs type).
6) Repeat this phrase early and often: "Yes I can!"
7) Generate income by other legal means. I'll continue to sell Pampered Chef and will also promote my genealogy service.
8) Pray some more.
9) Refuse to settle. This may be a real challenge, depending on what crops up, because I know how tempting it can be to settle. Maybe I should view such temptation as Satan-inspired. (wink)
10) Laugh.
11) Create.

I feel much better now. Writing to you has helped me to focus and talk myself into a positive place. What an amazing team you all are! Thanks for that. I mean that more than you know.

xoxo

seeking strength

As the clock ticks on and my work fate continues to be unknown, it is getting to be time to hitch up my skirt (using that term metaphorically) and think about job hunting. No doubt I should have begun this process a good while ago, but I was feeling optimistic about my chances of staying in my present job. There is every reason to continue to feel optimistic, but I need to be smart and shift to Plan B mode.

Yesterday I was alerted by email of an article to which the AAUW (American Association of University Women) Linked-In group had linked. It had to do with the idea of leading with our strengths, as opposed to focusing too much on developing weaknesses. It also talks about the positive impact a group can experience when its leader(s) are willing to acknowledge his or her weaknesses. "Not only does this build trust in and of itself, it gives other members of the team permission to be similarly vulnerable. Great leaders understand that they don’t need to be well-rounded but that their teams do."

Included in the article was a link to a site where one could take a survey to determine character strengths. The survey is extensive, with over 200 questions, and it ranks one's strengths from first to last, focusing on the benefit of the character trait. Always grateful to be armed with knowledge that can help me understand myself better--not to mention give me language to use when job-hunting--I decided to take the survey and see what I might learn.

Although the questions on the survey weren't unlike questions on other surveys I've taken, I didn't appreciate the spectrum of values it was seeking to identify. Of the 21 characteristics, here, in order, are my top five strengths: forgiveness, fairness, honesty, judgment (as in prudent use of), and perspective. Interestingly (to me, anyway), the sixth trait was appreciation for beauty and excellence.

I have to say that I was startled to see forgiveness at the top. Not that I don't consider myself to be a forgiving person, I do. I suspect that the rankings are achieved as a result of consistency in how I responded to the questions, and my responses to questions related to forgiveness must have been more consistent than questions related to the other traits. I was also surprised to see that creativity ranked fourteenth. Creativity is such an integral part of who I am and how I thrive.  I suspect that this result is skewed because of how I deal with questions that use language like "I always..."  I also have something of a split personality when it comes to creativity--I am far more adept at being creative with ideas and solving problems than I am with the artistic side of life. I'm also better at creating an experience than I am being particularly original producing something tangible like a scrapbook layout, or quilt, or whatever.

Lastly (for the purposes of this post), I couldn't help but notice that I had difficulty with questions that wanted to get at how I was perceived by my friends. Maybe it's because my life these days is bereft of much in-person contact with friends, so the sharing of spontaneous observation or conversation around such things is limited. My inability to identify such perceptions, however, is giving me pause, not to mention cause for reflection.

If you want to take the time to take the survey, you can do so for free. A detailed interpretation of the results costs $20, but to receive the rankings costs nothing but time. I'd be interested, should any of you decide to do this, to hear about your results. 

In the meantime, I've got some work to do!