the mojo returns

Do you remember Shannon Faulkner? She was the woman who fought to be the first female cadet at the all-male bastion of southern military education, The Citadel. It's been a while--1995, to be exact--so I can't say that I blame you if the incident isn't right there at the edge of the memory pool ready for recollection. Shannon won a lawsuit filed against The Citadel for discrimination when they rejected her application for admission on the basis of her sex. She lasted a week once she was finally enrolled and attending classes, resigning voluntarily. She attributed her decision to extensive emotional and psychological abuse throughout the ordeal that led to illness and total exhaustion.

I remember this little piece of history because the timing of Shannon's very public effort to fight for her cause coincided with a more private battle going on in my own world. I wasn't trying to be the first at anything. What Shannon and I shared was a dedication of energy poured into something in which we believed (I was seeking ordination). In Shannon's case her energy tapped out. In my case, my energy was so singularly focused that there was nothing left for anything or anyone else in my world. Shannon was ridiculed for her departure from The Citadel, those eager to see her go (never having wanted her there in the first place) citing her decision as evidence of why she should never have been granted the privilege of attending. I never saw it that way. I understood that when you are engaged daily in an effort that requires every ounce of energy you have, every moment of every day, eventually that energy will be depleted if it is not renewed. The attacks against Shannon were relentless and public. She had little support, and threats against her required the protection of U.S. Marshals while she was on campus, and security cameras were an attempt at preventing bodily harm. I don't blame her one bit for saying, "enough."

I wish I could say that the experience of energy maintenance was a memory on which to draw for ministerial purposes, or to remind myself that I came out on the other side of a difficult time, evidence of inner gumption and chutzpah. Instead the experience of channeling energy into maintaining an inner equilibrium while the chaos of my world threatens the very same is all too familiar. The gift of that time in 1995 taught me how to navigate this kind of season in life, and in subsequent years I have gotten better at that navigation. I know what things to dismiss and what things to take seriously. I covet the moments when the energy to do more than prepare a meal or do the laundry means that I have created memories or enjoyed something outside of myself. I have learned to hold on to a sense of competence, even if confidence lags.

Not long ago, during a cherished afternoon spent with a friend over coffee laced with conversation, I lamented the loss of my creative mojo. "I used to..." I mourned. Then she covered my hand with hers and assured me that I hadn't lost my creativity. Rather, the energy devoted to putting one foot in front of the other left none for anything else. The core of my being was intact, just obscured by the detritus of the daily grind.

She was right. Is right. And the good news is that there is evidence that my energy is being released from the stranglehold of survival-mode for other, more life-giving expression. Like searching out and deciding on patterns for mug rugs to make for a fellow RevGal. Like following through on Pampered Chef leads, resulting in four--count 'em, four!--shows scheduled for November (until a party I did last weekend, I hadn't had a show since February). Like putting on my extravert face to promote my massage business, and not being discouraged that my calendar isn't filling up with appointments. Like securing a twice-monthly massage gig with a dog! 

It has taken a lot of energy to keep my head above the proverbial water over the last few years as the parameters of how my life was understood and defined shifted or disappeared.  Now that I am in a groove that positions me to move forward with a new purpose, inner alignment is yielding outer results. I recognize the signs of transformation that I trusted to be at work, and my soul is sighing too deeply for words.  

It's not just mojo, it's life, but the two are inextricably related. I'm not so naive as to think it will all be smooth sailing now that there is wind in my sails.  After all, wind also churns the sea. But the shift is happening, and the momentum is forward. As Tom Ryan says, "Onward, by all means."

PS. By 2009, The Citadel had graduated 205 women from it ranks.  No matter how far we've come, we've still got a long way to go.

a qualified quotity

is for

Q-tips * Quilts * Questions * Quiet * Quiche * Quality * Quotations * Quakerism * Quebec

Several months ago one of the "friday five" posts over on RevGals invited us to share favorite blogs. Thanks to that posting I discovered three blogs that I now visit daily (and one of those has since led me to another daily giggle, which I'll post below). One of them is Kim, fellow Episcopalian and sojourner in faith, and an awesome quilter. The exposure to her creations and to her world has revived from dormancy my own love for fabric and quilting.

I've never thought before about putting into words just why quilting is a soul-satisfying endeavor. I suspect that, in keeping with my personality, it is about possibilities as much as anything else. And color. And patterns. And beauty. Hmm, I guess that is a lot of it! And then of course there is the experience of seeing it come together from individual scraps, pieces or blocks into a cohesive whole. Something from my own hand. There is enormous satisfaction in the experience of it all.

It's a challenge to quilt in our present abode. With three dogs, one of them a seven-month old puppy that thinks anything within her reach is fair game for her chewing pleasure, the use of space on a floor is out of the question. My office is at capacity for utilization of space and in constant need of tidying or relocating items in order to accommodate others. But my need to put hand to fabric and hear the hum of the sewing machine drives me with some urgency to make do and get on with it! There are several time-sensitive projects to which I'd like to apply myself, so the motivation is there, and it is high. I will perservere and find a way!

In the meantime I am enjoying another renewed interest (I'm liking this theme of renewal): quotations (is that not a fabulous wave photograph on the cover of that book of sea quotes? you can practically hear that wave break on a shoreline of rocks!). I have been a passive collector of quotes for a while, but Trisha's arrival in my/our life and her love of quotes is giving that passivity a run for its money. Seeing quotes posted around her apartment, and again decorating her graduation party I was mindful of the iconic draw they have into other worlds, thoughts and feelings. Very artisan, and one reason I am such a fan of calligraphy.

So my gratitude today is rooted, not surprisingly, in the creative realm. (Note to self: are you paying attention?). Where is your gratitude today?

notes: the quilt in the photo is the wedding gift to my goddaughter from her parents, made by her mom (second from right in picture). Click on the image for a larger view.

For some good laughs, check out There, I fixed it!

artist's date

In her book The Artist's Way one of the habits Julia Cameron encourages us to cultivate is "the artist's date." What this means, essentially, is that each week we treat ourselves to time set apart to nourish the artist within by going "without," as in get out of the house and away from the usual patterns and places so that the soul can be fed by the world beyond. For me this translates as getting to a place where my soul drinks deeply from the well of creative possibility.

The Cheekwood Botanical Garden in Nashville is such a place. Perhaps my favorite photographic subject is a garden, and cheekwood has wonderful layers of texture, grooming, wildness and color to satisfy just about anyone. Or so I think! Last week I had two appointments in Nashville, with time in between that offered proximity and the perfect opportunity to head to Cheekwood for a visit.

I hadn't been there in nearly three years (astonishing, considering how much I enjoy it), and I hadn't been there in the summer since, oh, 2000? Dreadful, I need to slap my own wrist! I confess that I hurried through the garden more quickly than I would have wanted, and didn't visit all the nooks and crannies that beckon the artist, but I did manage to enjoy pausing at a few places to drink in the glory that is this particular garden and to snap a few pictures.

The trellis area, pictured first, is one of my favorite as it changes color and character through the seasons. And I absolutely delighted in the mass of rudbeckia, the black-eyed Susan that is my favorite summer bloom (how I wish we had a sunny place in our own yard free from canine tampering to plant some!). The other pictures are near the original Cheek home, now a museum. Cheekwood was the home of the Cheek family (an absolutely amazing estate that sits atop a hill), and they were kind enough to leave the estate for the purpose of creating this wonderful place for the public.

Enjoy this departure from your own world.

friday five: wind in my sails

At RevGals Sally writes about the family passion of sailing: "we love the water and the wind, and take delight in the fresh air and quiet, but also in the competition, striving to do our best!" How about you?

1. Is there a sport/hobby that is more of a passion than a past-time for you?
As noted previously on this blog, I hate to sweat. That pretty much rules out sports as something about which I'm passionate. I've also shared my former passion for Scottish country dancing, which I don't think is a sport as much as an "activity." Who knows? That truly was a passion. However, a constant in my life is a passion for creating. Whether it's with paper, fabric, yarn, a camera, food, I'm at my most content when I'm creating. Doing so for someone else is especially joyful, and brings an added dimension to the creative process. Of late scrapbooking and papercrafts have been my passion, but I'm turning my attention once again to sewing/quilting.

2. Outdoors or indoors?
I'm a weather-wimp (don't like the heat and HATE humidity), so you'll find me indoors more often than not.

3. Where do you find peace and quiet?
I used to enjoy a lot of peace and quiet before I got married, LOL!! It's harder to come by these days while my husband is out of work, and I've noticed that I'm a bit more edgy. If I could just steal some moments to head to the library I could accomplish two things at once! Like many, I find the water to be a peaceful place. It's mysterious and ever-changing, which is rather peaceful.

4. A competitive spirit; good or bad, discuss...
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with competition. It inspires us to hone our skills and do our best. The notion of winning, however, is another matter. I changed my major in college after getting rather passionate about this whole subject, in fact. The idea that winning is everything and must be achieved at all costs ruins more people than we can possibly know.

5. Is there a song a picture or a poem that sums up your passion?
The picture I've included here is the back of my car filled with samples of decorator fabric that were destined for the dumpster. NO!! A good chunk of it is now neatly folded and in piles awaiting my creative hand. What will I do with it? Tote bags, purses, eyeglass cases, cell phone caddies, those fancy bulletin boards crisscrossed with ribbon under which you can stick cards and photos... I've got all sorts of ideas. I'm planning to give those goodies to the church to be sold at the fall bazaar, assuming we're still having one.

I don't know of a song about the passion of quilting or scrapbooking, but I'd be happy to learn of one!

forecast for the day

Sewing!

I have been diligent in my cleaning efforts in my office/craft space these last few days, and I am happy to report that there is finally some space to get busy creating!!! It's true there are still a few things that need to find homes, and they are taking up residence temporarily in the guest room (where else?), but my countertop is now free and clear for use, my desktop is, amazingly, clear, and the sewing machine is up and ready to go. I've even got some things up on the walls! Yes, yes, pictures will be forthcoming, but right now I'm too excited about the prospect of getting something done as opposed to just thinking about getting something done!

While going through drawers and such looking for items to put in last weekend's church yard sale (which, by the way, was a success) I came upon a pattern for a small project--the perfect way to reenter the creative realm. I'm going to do it with fabric I already have on hand, so it won't be necessary to spend any money. I'll also make a couple of these (I did say this was a small project, and it is, literally) using different color combinations to exercise the "color outside the lines" muscle of my soul.

While thinking about different color combos I also had a stroke of genius to help the church. We're anticipating a "fall bazaar" and need to have things to sell. This particular pattern has a center object--an apple--that can be changed to any other: think paw prints, a Christmas tree, pumpkin, heart, shamrock, flag... pick a symbol and there you go! We can whip up a bunch of these suckers for sale at the bazaar and make some cool cash. Peachy, huh?

So that's the exciting development in this corner of the world. I had to break in to the gratitude list to share, which I'll do on occasion. Tomorrow I'll be back with the e's. See you then!

and I thought the "B" list was good!

is for a collection of things for which I am grateful! It's probably the longest list (alphabetically speaking), and like its predecessor each word conjures up images, memories and deep thanksgivings for things that are or have been significant parts of my life. Let's just stipulate (to borrow a legal term) that this will be true for each letter's list!

Children * Change * Communication * Community * Coffee * Computers * Chocolate * Cookies * Cash * Corn on the cob * Culinary skills * Cooking * Christmas * College memories * Crafts * Cuddling * Curiosity * Companionship * Creativity * Church * Cars * Christ * Caring friends * Cabana Crew * Chocolate chip cookie dough * Compromise * Comfort * Camaraderie * Catalogs * Color * Cooling breezes * Cameras * Confidence * Cape Cod * Caller ID * Curry * Constancy * Celtic music * Celtic art * Candles * Choices * Celebrations * Crossword puzzles * Cinnamon

This morning I am mindful of creativity. I can remember an occasion when I was struggling to cope with a difficult and painful situation. Part of living with and honoring the pain as I worked through it and sought healing was engaging in a creative effort. I don't recall how it was that I chose this particular project, but I immersed myself in making a stole. I selected shades of purple fabric and assembled a common quilt pattern of small squares set on the diagonal. The lightest shade was in the center and the colors graduated toward darkness as they moved toward the edge. I suspect that creating a Lenten stole was unconscious, but in the end it became, and remains, my favorite stole. It reminds me of a time of pain and healing, and the connection of creativity to the process. It's also a beautiful stole (sorry I don't have a picture!)

I am a person who needs to create. Whether it's a meal, the generation of an idea, the solution to a problem or a crafted item, my being holds life and ideas, and that life and those ideas require expression. Creativity is a divine process for me (and, I think, for most people), an experience of connecting and finding inspiration from a source beyond ourselves that is about dwelling in the center of God. Creating is also restorative for me. As Ken and I live in and move through some difficult times, the challenge of coping with the difficult is wearying and depleting. I know that a large part of restoring balance and strength to my soul will come from creating. And so I will. I have not yet identified the project into which I will immerse myself to experience that restoration (not to mention the simple joy that creating IS), but an abundance of possibilities exist. The anticipation alone brings a certain peace, and with that peace, hope. What a blessing.

hopes and dreams

This colorful swirl of a quilt's center is a signpost of hope for me. I have been struggling lately with how to balance the reality of difficult and painful circumstances with the desire to focus on what is positive. I am fully aware of how attitude impacts behavior, and even decisions, and I have had one foot firmly planted on the ground of optimism for many months. That posture has served me well, kept me centered even in the midst of uncertainty and chaos. At the same time I am beginning to feel that the reserves of my strength, though substantial, are being drained to a point that is dangerously low.

As I evaluate how to care for myself I look to the things that restore and replenish me. Why am I not surprised that I am being drawn toward the world of creativity? Through the myriad threads of connectivity that facebook offers I saw a quilt created by a relative of my friend Genie. I was taken with it immediately, and began to search out sources whereby I might create one like it myself. Having tracked the source, I raided a stash of emergency cash to buy a book that details how to make this quilt, and others like it. The pattern and its creation are more difficult than the quilts I have made in the past, and I don't think I am yet up to taking on doing one of my own, but I now have the means to do so when that moment comes. In the meantime there are smaller projects that will serve as a vehicle through which my spirit can plunge into the creative process. Through those my experience tells me that the tears in my soul will begin to knit together toward healing, and strength will begin to accumulate once again in the vault that is my being.

The image here, then, serves two purposes. One is that is represents creative effort, a known balm to my hurting soul. The other is that the spiral, as shown here, has light at the center radiating out. That is where I find my hope. No matter how dark the days have become in the past, at the center there has always been light. It is that light, with its power to radiate out through the darkness, that holds me steady and serves to ground me in the spirit of peace and wholeness. Even when the best of days dissolve into tears of confusion or fold under the weight of burdens, the light holds fast, and hope, like the phoenix, rises from the ruin.

I will bide my time with the spiral quilt. As I do so, however, I will move toward its future reality by warming up with other creative efforts. As a portion of St. Patrick's Breastplate proclaims:

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

savoring accomplishment

My day didn't start well yesterday, but once I recovered from a frustrating morning I found some time to wrap up work on a digital photobook. Ken and I have been married three years and I simply hadn't gotten around to putting together any kind of wedding album. It's one of those things that I'd been meaning to do, and when the offers from Shutterfly come and there are three days to take advantage of the discounts and (often) free shipping, I haven't had the time to assemble the photos I want to use, organize them, choose layouts, write text, blah blah blah...

The latest Shutterfly offer, however, gave me an entire week to put together my project, so I plunged in. It was fun to review all the pictures, to remember bits and pieces of that evening, and to get the event documented at last.

This may seem like a small thing, but it is significant for me for a number of reasons. The first is that it honors the event, a Big Deal for me after so many years of singlehood. The second is that I exercised some creativity, one of those soul muscles that had been yearning for a workout. The third is that it got me back in a groove of scrapping. Sort of. Those who scrap know that this is a poor cousin to the Real Thing, but hey, it's a start and I'll snag it gladly and do the happy dance! Can you feel the joy?

Other accomplishments today were painting projects at the church. The men's and women's bathrooms are now painted something other than sterile white, with contrasting colors on stalls and dividers. I'm very happy with the women's bathroom--the jury is still out on the men's. But it's progress, a fresh look and a cheerier space in which to be or pee. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Sunday we are celebrating Father's Day with a cookout following our morning worship service, and praying for a dry day with cooler temps than we've had this week. Coming within pecking distance of 100 is not my idea of a nice day. After that? It remains to be seen.

Stay cool, enjoy a cold drink and happy solstice!