Wednesday, August 01, 2012

door closed

One wait is over and another begins.

I learned yesterday that I will not be staying on in my job. Yes, it sucks. There is a long list of reasons why this job has been such a good fit for me, so it is hard to pack up my things and go home (in two weeks) and see it go to someone else, no matter how qualified. Plain and simple, it hurts.

This morning, and probably for the next several days (if not longer), I will dance between grief and the necessary gear shift into anticipation and looking ahead to whatever comes next. I am grateful that the facebook responses to this news have stuck to sympathy or positive encouragement about the next chapter. I braced myself for the "everything happens for a reason" line and was prepared to delete it. I don't share that view (except along cause and effect lines, like "the road is wet because it rained") and am not in a mood to indulge it. I am particularly grateful for those who understand that I am in a place of hurt and allow me the grace to be here. I will move on soon enough.

So I am back to intense discernment, a very frustrating place to be because I have been in constant discernment for years. Years!  I am torn, somewhat raggedly, about seeking work related to the Church. When I attend worship I find it painful to be in the pew. God did not call me to sit there, and that call renews itself when I do. At the same time parish work has been consistently unsatisfying in too many ways to want to entertain that possibility. Add to that a fractured relationship with my bishop and the way appears strewn with more obstacles than encouragement.

I am so weary of being in a place weighed down with a lack of clarity. At the same time I cannot afford to be still (I am not referring to spiritual stillness--that is a must!). Financially there is no room to go without a paycheck. Practically, in this economy, any gap in employment hurts my chances to gain employment. And for the sake of my confidence, self-promotion and a daily effort to secure work is de rigueur. Starting today--the need to grieve notwithstanding--positive thinking is moving to the front of the line of thoughts. No pushing or shoving by other kinds of thoughts will be tolerated.

Here's my strategy, and I'm inviting anyone who so chooses to join my strategy team. Feel free to assign yourself a job title: something like Encourager in Chief sounds good. Be creative!

1) Pray. Hop on the prayer wagon!
2) Listen.
3) Make some choices about the kind of work I want to seek.
4) Network. I've got a flatbed lined up to accommodate people who will help me network.
5) Remain open to the possibilities (this is actually easy--fits right into my Meyers-Briggs type).
6) Repeat this phrase early and often: "Yes I can!"
7) Generate income by other legal means. I'll continue to sell Pampered Chef and will also promote my genealogy service.
8) Pray some more.
9) Refuse to settle. This may be a real challenge, depending on what crops up, because I know how tempting it can be to settle. Maybe I should view such temptation as Satan-inspired. (wink)
10) Laugh.
11) Create.

I feel much better now. Writing to you has helped me to focus and talk myself into a positive place. What an amazing team you all are! Thanks for that. I mean that more than you know.



Mary Beth said...

I am quite a good cheerleader. So call on me.

Now that you have worked in higher ed for a bit...I wonder if you have interest in other positions there? That doesn't necessarily answer the ministry vocation, but you never know.

Sending you love and courage! You can do it!!!

Jayne said...

Well, as much as things like this in life throw us for a loop, the one thing we CAN control is how we respond to it. It's fine to feel sad and disappointed, and fully expected, but I know that the world has things planned for you dear friend, and that next opportunity is just waiting for you to show up! You are a blessing to us all and will be to anyone lucky enough to call you an employee! XOXO

Terri said...

I will hold you in prayer. I will serve as Cheif Cheerleader (Ihaving been there my self, I so understand the range of emotions)....and I will do whatever I can.

The Bug said...

About 5 years ago Mike didn't get the job we thought he was going to get & it was really tough (we're still pretty pissed about it). I think there will always be some grief & what-if to our lives.

But setting that aside, I totally love where we are now. It's not perfect, but it feels mostly right.

I know you didn't want to start this process again, but frankly, althought I'm annoyed that you didn't get the chance to stay where you were, I'm excited to see where you go next.

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