Sunday, August 21, 2016

it's a hard knock life

There's a reason I don't post here as frequently as I used to. Sure, Facebook offers a quick and dirty means of sharing salient and silly slices of life, and the ease of that forum has contributed to less frequent appearances here. But the fact is that, over the last five or so years, life has simply been hard. Not just challenging, but gut-punching hard. What has felt like a never-ending assault on my efforts to stand upright and propel myself into a forward-leaning direction has drained me. Though my self-confidence hasn't evaporated it has certainly sought refuge in a place tucked safely away from further injury. The experiences that have led to its removal from the line of fire have also contributed to a soul-piercing isolation. As an introvert I can handle a lot of solitude, but the lack of a sustaining community to which I could turn for relief or solace has simply not existed. Where once I had a robust circle of friends with whom I felt connected there are now a mere handful of souls with whom I feel it is safe to entrust my heart. 

As well, some things simply can't be shared here. Public pages have their limits, and a blog is an inappropriate place to rage against some of the people whose words and deeds are sources of deep pain. Through difficult times hope has been my most faithful companion, but the persistence of difficulty has taken a toll on that relationship, too. God? Let's just say, "it's complicated."

I have not wanted to bring any of this here, to weigh down with woe and heartbreak a place that is intended to be a source of creativity for me and connection with others. But I can no longer afford to be absent from this place of self-expression and sharing.  I need to be able to grieve the losses that have collected, and wonder aloud about the mysteries that get stuck in the crevices of my days. It is critical, as I experience a dearth of community, that I make myself available to find new connections and rekindle old passions. To take the risk of discovering how ignorant I might be as I pick up the shovel to dig into and out of my complicity in the perpetuation of racism. To honor my own peculiar nature even as I come to terms with the deficits in my character that inhibit a fuller life. 

My struggles aren't unique to me. One of the things I have learned through sharing my life and my foibles here over the years is that others sometimes recognize the tune that becomes recognizable between the lines. In the way that music has the power to unite, that place of recognition serves to connect. And connection, after all, is why I started this blog in the first place. 

I need to be here. I need to write, to let what is within flow without. And I need you. There. I've said it. To the extent that you want to be here, you are quite welcome to join the effort to muddle through. My hope (still here) is that renewal will take place, that transformation will occur, and that redemption will lead me into a thriving life. If that sounds like a tribe with which you want to link your arms, your mind, and your heart, I'm blessed to have your company.

6 comments:

Jayne said...

I am honored and proud to be one of your tribe. I feel the pain in your words, and applaud your gut wrenching vulnerability in even putting these words out there, my friend. As I walk this journey of life along side you, I also am learning to say those words, "I need," and to allow others to be there for me. It's as vulnerable as one can feel, isn't it? I would offer to you as well that, like another one of our Comeback Bloggers, who needed a safe place to sort out things in words to share, it might be that you could create a separate private blog to share only there? Just a thought. Simply know I am here, right next to you, and I know... XO

Carolina Linthead said...

Present with you here and always, dear friend. May we all find renewal and joy, simply and powerfully by being present with each other through the worst and the best of times. Love you!

Ginger said...

How I understand! I'm new(er) to your blog, as one of the Comeback Bloggers, but have much appreciated what I've read so far. Being willing to speak our words here and be heard and responded to with kindness and understanding--and from some, a "me too"--has been such a gift to me. Prayers for this passage in your life, and the blessings to emerge.

The Bug said...

You know Mike & I are here for you!! Much much love....

Anvilcloud said...

As an introvert, I get the feeling of isolation. My circle is pretty well confined to my small family and a few friends who are really my wife's friends. It's not that I mind much, but it might be nice to have one or two of my own friends.

Ruth said...

I am reading a book by Mark Buchanan right now called "Spiritual Rhythm: Being with Jesus Every Season of Your Soul". He talks about going through winter, not in old age, but anytime of life when there is barrenness and loss. But after winter comes spring with new growth and beauty.

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