type matters

As noted in an earlier post I've been reading a book about introverts in the church. The first chapters of it launched several epiphanies, and I read on eagerly as I anticipated a fireworks version of aha's and revelations. Well, they came all right, but instead of them being about the church, the focus of the book shifted to the introvert. It talked about me. The insights were eye-opening, reassuring, and as I recognized myself more and more in the pages that I turned, the pain began to emerge.

I've known for more than twenty years that I am an introvert, and I thank the well-known Meyers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI) for the first beams of light that opened some understanding in my life about the implications of what it means to be an introvert. But I had no idea of the depth of those implications, in spite of the fact that I lived them, felt them, and was shaped by them to such a deep and, yes, devastating, affect.

During the past week I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on what I have read (a typical thing for an introvert to do!). What I am learning is breaking open understandings about relationships with significant people in my life: disappointments some have felt in regard to me, laments that I have felt in regard to others and about myself, and the answers to mysteries have begun to emerge and take shape.

The pain that is spilling forth is an accumulation of hurt released by the recognition of something that is a part of me beyond my will or my choosing. It is simultaneously raw and cleansing. The good news is that it is being brought into the light. The healing of wounds can begin while at the same time I can begin to address how to embrace and integrate new knowledge into the person I am and will become.

Years ago, after I returned home from a semester in Scotland during my junior year in college, my brothers and I spent a week in Maine with my father and his girlfriend. One night we went out to dinner, and as were leaving the restaurant to head back to the house a discussion began to get tense. My brothers began to pick at and ridicule me for something I had expressed. I dropped into silence, and when one brother made an especially cutting remark Joan turned from the front seat to face them and said, "you have no idea how deeply she feels!" The car went silent. Had I not been driving I would have frozen in place. But this moment is etched in my memory because I felt seen, understood, and recognized in a way that I don't remember ever experiencing before that time.

These are tender days for me, but there is strength, now, in the understanding that is unfolding. There is so much more to learn and comprehend. There are things I need to learn to do to prevent hurts that, unintentionally, are inflicted on the people in my life. At this moment I can say to any of you that have felt disregarded or ignored by any silence or inaction from me, I am sorry.

I am learning to love myself differently through this awakening. Through that process, I will be able to love you better as well. Bear with me.

Jesus and Meyers-Briggs

First, a question. Do you think Jesus was an introvert or an extrovert?

Here's an interesting little item with HUGE implications. I was in the Cokesbury store the other day (there are some distinct advantages to living in the buckle of the bible belt), a dangerous place for me to be allowed any kind of time for browsing, and this book jumped off the shelf and stared me down: Introverts in the Church, Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture (Adam S. McHugh). Being an introvert I thought that it was written for me, of course. Somehow or other it found its way into my bag.

Heading off to give blood yesterday I grabbed the book to tuck into my pack. I only got to page 25 (I'm a slow reader), but already my mind is jumping, and the "a-HAs!" can't keep up with each other. There is a presumptive bias in the book that the author makes clear from the get-go. He paints evangelical churches as distinctly extroverted (said author also acknowledges that he does some broad stroke generalizing). As such they (read "the membership") are chatty and casual, and the preaching conversational. Since the place and authority of scripture is central to their faith it is one of the things about which they are chatty. Evangelizing, then, comes as naturally as breathing. I'm oversimplifying. He went on to make some other observations that led me to wonder off on my own. Hence:
In more catholic traditions there is this thing called The Mystery. The Mystery is mediated through sacraments, and by its very nature invites reflection and meditation. (I might go so far as to suggest that it is intuitive, but that's another conversation.) In the Episcopal Church we struggle with our identity as evangelists. By in large we shun the notion of taking the word out to the world--not in theory (we are 'piscies, after all!), but in practice. We're uncomfortable talking about our faith (that is a corporate we, not an individual "we").

I used to contend that a principle reason we weren't good evangelists is due to our ecclesial DNA: our roots are in a State Church, which did not need to evangelize. I still maintain that there is something to that theory, but now I add the introvert/extrovert argument. As a Mystery church we are an introverted church. We thrive on drinking it in, literally and figuratively, and mulling it all over. Wonder why newcomers don't want to come to coffee hour? Hello! Introverts in a crowd of strangers--lemme outta here!

I have already been given so much food for thought here I can hardly stand it, and this is just up to page 25. This book is a must read for anyone involved in evangelism, welcoming and incorporating people into the church. It is also extremely helpful in understanding how the church might use the gifts of its people more thoughtfully and with greater impact. At a church I once served the vestry took the Meyer's-Briggs test each year so that they could understand and appreciate the particular dispositions that each member brought to the table. Not a bad idea at all when dealing with a leadership team. It is also a reminder that in any corporate setting the same issues manifest themselves.

There is so much more that could be said on this topic, but already I've rambled enough this morning. As for Jesus, I don't know if he was and introvert or an extrovert, but to me he seems to be a healthy balance that reflects both. But of course!