Saturday, February 02, 2013

two things

These days, as I stare into the great unknown of my future, I am trying to "read the signs" as I see them. EVERYwhere--okay, just facebook and Pinterest, because I don't get out much--there are quotes and sayings and cliches about the best being yet to come, and words of that ilk. Some days I find encouragement in the way they dot my days. Other times, well, "yeah, yeah, yeah," dripping with sarcasm, is my response. I can't tell you how badly I want to scream at the "everything happens for a reason" prognositications. Spare me. 

But there are times, like this morning, when the agony of my psyche leads me to the lap of God. I mean, enough already! What point are you trying to make? I have learned a multitude of lessons from difficulty through my lifetime. Trust? Patience? Hello!!!!!!! Why do you think I have not abandoned ship?

Anyway, after a fresh round of tears I went to the kitchen to top off my coffee and as I neared the kitchen window I saw snow falling. Unlike the snow of yesterday, this one is sticking first to the street and driveway, and has not yet shown any accumulation in the yard. I know this won't amount to much, but this unexpected offering is the equivalent of God's handkerchief for my tears. It just feels like love. It's a sing sign. Thank you. Just, thank you. My inner Yankee is rejoicing!

Completely unrelated to anything, my high school boyfriend and I are friends on facebook. It's kind of weird. We hadn't been in touch since college days, but some years back I learned that he'd tried to send a message through one of those classmate web sites. Since I refused to pay to be part of "golden member status," I never learned what the message was. A few years ago I learned that Joe was on facebook, so for kicks I sent him a friend request that went into the cyber abyss. Forgot all about it. Then, about a year ago, he accepted the friend request. When my father died Joe wrote a thoughtful reply to my post. He recalled that Dad had taken us camping on the Cape. I had forgotten all about that! Joe isn't on facebook very often, but he occasionally responds to one of my posts with thoughtfulness and support (when needed). It's just nice.

There's a huge gap of years between now and when I knew anything about his life, and we are not in the least caught up. I do know that he's divorced and living with a woman that he dated after we broke up. I don't know if he has children or if his parents are still alive. He works combining two loves: motor sports and photography. He is still a fan of Peter Frampton and other musicians of our era.

There's something comforting about the consistency of who he is. We dated through our junior and senior years in high school--significant days that carry good memories along with some of those difficult learnings referred to above. That we can connect, tangentially, at this point in life is another of those signs that I accept with gratitude. 

Which brings me to this. Life pretty much sucks right now, but the fact that there are glimpses of hope and bits of balm along the way matters. I am trying to pay attention to signs like snow and the presence of a once-meaningful relationship that serve to prop me up on mornings like today, when doubt and cluelessness cling like dog hair. I stand in the doorway of opportunity, and even though I can't decipher what to do with it, the recognition that it is there reveals the presence of light. God-light. Christ-light. Spirit-light. So now that my tears have dried up I'm planning to dance in that beam of light for a little while and shake these unemployed blues. And, I'm going to keep on praying. It may feel lonely, but at times like these there's no better place than the lap of God.

4 comments:

Jayne said...

I wish I had great wisdom or words that would make your pain lessen my friend. I wish too that I could carry some of your burden for you. We are all on this journey of life together and just remember that you are never alone and you have people thinking of you and praying for you. Sending you a warm virtual hug. XOXO

Carolina Linthead said...

I was once asked if studying history as a profession automatically makes one an atheist. I laughed, nervously, and said, yes, in some ways. There is no "plan" that can explain Stalin's purges or Hitler's final solution to my satisfaction. There is no "God is in control" theology that helps me understand why such a God allows so many millions of innocents to suffer and die, then, now, and in the future. As I have often said, I flunked "the problem of evil" in seminary, for this and other reasons. What I can say, however, is that I am far from an atheist, after all these years of studying and teaching history. Why? Because grace and transcendent love exist. I have learned this through experience, and so I accept it as reality even when I don't understand exactly how and why and when and where. So I offer you this: love, transcendent, enduring, beyond human understanding, and grace that is greater than all that besets us. Journey on, dear friend, even though it sucks right now, and we will all pray with you that it gets better, soon. Thank you for allowing us the privilege of journeying with you. Peace be with you.

The Bug said...

I'm sending a hug too!

Mary Beth said...

Love to think of you in God's lap. Many hugs.

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