But there are times, like this morning, when the agony of my psyche leads me to the lap of God. I mean, enough already! What point are you trying to make? I have learned a multitude of lessons from difficulty through my lifetime. Trust? Patience? Hello!!!!!!! Why do you think I have not abandoned ship?
Anyway, after a fresh round of tears I went to the kitchen to top off my coffee and as I neared the kitchen window I saw snow falling. Unlike the snow of yesterday, this one is sticking first to the street and driveway, and has not yet shown any accumulation in the yard. I know this won't amount to much, but this unexpected offering is the equivalent of God's handkerchief for my tears. It just feels like love. It's a
Completely unrelated to anything, my high school boyfriend and I are friends on facebook. It's kind of weird. We hadn't been in touch since college days, but some years back I learned that he'd tried to send a message through one of those classmate web sites. Since I refused to pay to be part of "golden member status," I never learned what the message was. A few years ago I learned that Joe was on facebook, so for kicks I sent him a friend request that went into the cyber abyss. Forgot all about it. Then, about a year ago, he accepted the friend request. When my father died Joe wrote a thoughtful reply to my post. He recalled that Dad had taken us camping on the Cape. I had forgotten all about that! Joe isn't on facebook very often, but he occasionally responds to one of my posts with thoughtfulness and support (when needed). It's just nice.
There's a huge gap of years between now and when I knew anything about his life, and we are not in the least caught up. I do know that he's divorced and living with a woman that he dated after we broke up. I don't know if he has children or if his parents are still alive. He works combining two loves: motor sports and photography. He is still a fan of Peter Frampton and other musicians of our era.
There's something comforting about the consistency of who he is. We dated through our junior and senior years in high school--significant days that carry good memories along with some of those difficult learnings referred to above. That we can connect, tangentially, at this point in life is another of those signs that I accept with gratitude.
Which brings me to this. Life pretty much sucks right now, but the fact that there are glimpses of hope and bits of balm along the way matters. I am trying to pay attention to signs like snow and the presence of a once-meaningful relationship that serve to prop me up on mornings like today, when doubt and cluelessness cling like dog hair. I stand in the doorway of opportunity, and even though I can't decipher what to do with it, the recognition that it is there reveals the presence of light. God-light. Christ-light. Spirit-light. So now that my tears have dried up I'm planning to dance in that beam of light for a little while and shake these unemployed blues. And, I'm going to keep on praying. It may feel lonely, but at times like these there's no better place than the lap of God.