Busy days. 

Need to take some pictures to post. 

In the meantime, for your amusement: the hazards of stopping to smell the roses.

 

Have an awesome day.

not for the squeamish

Unpleasant tasks are salvaged and made more palatable by humor. To take advantage of a sunny day with moderate temperatures, Ken was determined that this morning we would attend a long overdue task: poop-scooping. While walking the yard in grid patterns, shovel and hoe in hand, I couldn't help but let my mind run to the ridiculous. Let's tune in to Poop-Scooping commentators Verne and Earl.

Verne: It's a glorious day here for the first annual Poop-Scooping Tournament, and it promises to be a day of exhilarating competition. As a new event our viewers may be unaware of how it works, and what to watch for as our competitors play the game.

Earl: That's right Verne. Poop-Scooping can be full of surprises. Here's a quick run down of how the event is played, and how it's scored. Let me start with the fact that it's an annual competition. Dog poop, or terds as the professionals prefer to refer to them, goes through stages of decomposition. It takes a trained eye to recognize these different stages, bringing a sharper edge of competition into the mix.

Verne: Exactly. And we've got the perfect yard for the tournament this year. Leaves that fell after the last raking of the season serve as extraordinary camouflage for the terds, making it difficult to distinguish between old and new terds.

Earl: Indeed. Now our two players are given free run of the yard, and the object is to accumulate the most points by scooping terds that vary in age, size, and possible non-poop content. I understand that this yard is the dumping ground for three dogs, which should make for some highly unpredictable scoring. The players want to cover the territory as quickly as possible, and are free to review the ground already scooped by the opponent in case terds were missed. But here's an interesting twist, Verne. Even though this is a competition, a degree of cooperation is necessary. The players are responsible for keeping the terd barrel as close to them as possible. Seasoned players have learned through some tense rounds that keeping the barrel within reach of both of them facilitates heightened competition. It's a fascinating aspect to the game.

Verne: There are a number of strategies employed by our players toward wining this game. The most apparent to viewers will be the degree to which a player loads their shovel before heading to the barrel. Obviously the fewer trips made to the barrel cuts down on the transit time. But the flip side of that strategy is that when the shovel is overly full, care must be taken not to spill the terds that have been scooped. A full shovel slows the trip to the barrel, and that can be a hindrance.

Earl: Right Verne. Here's how the scoring works. Points are allocated for the following: number of terds scooped; variety of terds in terms of age and stages of decomposition; non-poop content in the terds, and the number of times the terd barrel is moved. Additional points are awarded for retrieving terds missed by the opponent. Demerits are given for dropping terds after scooping, and double demerits are given if a shovel loses its content on the way to the barrel. Demerits are also given each time a scooper steps in a pile of terds. A shoe-cleaning demerit is assessed at the completion of the round. It's a complex system of scoring, requiring a panel of judges to be extremely observant.

Verne: It looks like our players are getting in position to start the game. They'll have twenty minutes to prove who is the best poop-scooper among the players who qualified for this tournament.

Earl: The judges are taking their seats. The referee is positioning the terd barrel and the scoopers are gripping their tools, ready for action. Let's watch.

(the sound of a whistle indicates the start of the game)

Earl: Anne is off to a cautious start. It appears that she's scouting the ground to identify the location of the terds before he swoops in for the scoop. Ken, on the other hand, is using the one-terd approach, scooping as he encounters terds. There are pros and cons to both strategies.

Verne: That's true, Earl. And Ken is the first to the barrel! Listen to his fans cheer him on!

Earl: Anne's not far behind. She's scooped several piles, and it looks like she's got some variety in her shovel!

Verne: Look! Ken's found a pile of terd with non-poop content! Look at the mischievous grin on his face as he raises his shovel and turns it to show to Anne. He's even shaking his hips in a sort of victory dance!

Earl: Can you make out the content? Maybe the camera can move in for a better look. Yes! There it is! Pantyhose!

Verne: A pretty common bit of content found in terds. Anne is undeterred, however. She seemed to glance at Ken's shovel when he held it out, but she returned her attention to the area around her and is keeping her pace. The sign of a professional is not to be intimidated by the finds of another player. But look, her face is brightening! Apparently she's found content as well. She's making her way to the barrel with it. She gives an artful thrust of the shovel and the terd sails into the barrel. That was a perfectly executed move. Let's watch it in slow motion.

Earl: The content judge indicates that the content was a piece of sofa cushion. This is clearly a household with dogs who have a broad palate.  What an exciting Match!

Verne: That last effort by Anne seems to have increased her confidence. She needs to be careful. It looks like she's filling the shovel with an awful lot of terds.

Earl: She does need to be careful Verne. In one of the qualifying rounds leading to this tournament one of the players tipped his shovel three separate times. Not only was he given demerits, but he lost precious time having to rescoop his loads. Balancing your terd load is a critical skill in this game.

Verne: I've seen more games than I can count where it has been the deciding element in whether or not someone wins or loses.There's a reason they call the tipping point.

Earl: The points are mounting for both our players, Verne. It's very evident that experience and skill is what brought these players this far in the tournament. Let's pause and hear a word from our sponsor...

You get the idea. Have a nice day.

brace yourself...

(The following was sent to me in an email by a friend who teaches college history. I have made only one editing correction. No questions or answers were affected by this. Get the Kleenex ready, you will laugh so hard that you will cry. That, or pee in your pants.)

These questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers .... and the responders WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
 A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
 A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs    (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery      (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
 A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
 A. Keep it in the cow.             (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.                (wtf!)                                               

Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
 A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
 A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium     (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor.     (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport.    (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
 A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face      (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

  Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

new age workout

e

From my friend Jayne. The giggle from this will certainly help your abs!

some days are like this

Last night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

(thanks to my mother for this one)