I had intended to have a giveaway yesterday in honor of my 1066th post and my English and minuscule french heritage. Alas, I lost track of the post numbers and am unprepared for the event. Maybe I'll be on top of things when I reach 1100!
In the meantime I ask you to excuse my sporadic posting. For a person who is generally introspective and insightful I have found it difficult of late to "go deep." A number of fellow bloggers are participating in a "year in review" event of reflection called "reverb10." Each day a word, or pair of words is offered as a prompt for reflection. I signed up to take part in this as a way of focusing my thoughts for posts here, but I find that, with a few exceptions, the year is a blur, and my bucket of grist for the mill is empty.
I'm not entirely sure why this is the case, but one result is that I come to this blog feeling as though I have nothing to say. Well, there are things to say, of course, but I don't want this to become a place of political rants (except now and then). Neither do I want this to be a somber place when my inner reflections go that direction.
I'll confess this: my "personal growth" these days seems to be in the area of confronting and accepting my limitations and deficits. Not a comfortable stage of growth, I'll grant you. It's not that I haven't spent time assessing such things at other times in my life, but these days, these weeks and months, I come back to this: where, and why, am I failing to live more fully? Why are relationships feeling tattered and thin? What will it take to ignite the spark that, at my core, propels and inspires me to feel and be connected with the world?
Spiritually I am feeling particularly bereft. I read testimonies of the awareness by others of God's tending in times of strife. My head acknowledges the working of the divine, but my heart seems shuttered against such knowledge and blessing. I am at a loss what to do to fill my tank in so many respects, and the frustration of that weighs heavier and heavier as the days clip by.
So tell me. How do you cope with such periods of hunger? What do you do to fill your tank? How do you love when your heart feels empty?
Oddly enough, I think I am afloat and functioning in the midst of all this because of God's sustaining love. I just need air in my balloon, wind in my sails, friends around me. It's not hopeless, just annoying.