Tuesday, March 09, 2010

falling behind

I tried to take a day off yesterday. An occasional work-related email is fine on such a day, but yesterday one thing led to another. Before I knew it I was at the church for three hours moving furniture and doing my part to pave the way for classrooms to get set up for a relaunch of our Sunday school program this Sunday. The odd thing about this is that I was trying to stay out of the way so that other people could claim their ministry and it wouldn't all fall on me to get done. And yet, there I was. Part of this is a boundary issue I have trouble negotiating with Ken. He thinks nothing of bringing up church-related matters any time he's thinking about them. After a scathing "this is your fault" diatribe I told him to go away. I actually used those words, and he backed out of the room and let me be, knowing he'd crossed the line. He still doesn't get it, though. When I resisted the trip to the church I told him I was trying to take the day off, and he understood that. He's acknowledged how much I work and how hard I work. And still.

I feel like I'm falling behind in every aspect of my life. I can't keep up with the house, with the job, with my friends and family. I can't even keep up with caring for myself. I have no social life. I feel taken for granted. It feels like Lent. Oh wait, it is Lent! But this goes deeper than Lent. There is grief, and lament, and mystery/bafflement about how life got offtrack. I was working so hard to getting it on a track that included hope, and joy, and promise.

Maybe this is just a bad day because it began with dogs jumping all over me in bed and waking me up. Today I simply lack the wherewithall to push all the crap aside and enjoy the sun before the rain sets in. I need a glimpse of Easter, a reminder that new life emerges from the ashes of old. I need a taste of life.
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Jan said...

Sounds like you are wandering in the desert. . . .(((Anne))) Love the picture! When I am that far behind, I need to be reminded that I am not really alone back there. Neither are you.

KimQuiltz said...

You have a huge Sisterhood standing around you, isn't it great? We'll stand in the desert with you for a while (I've been hanging out there lately *g* so I know some of what you are up against). Take heart!

Jules said...

this is a bad day for sure...but take one thing at a time...one aspect, one friend, one job. Feeling overwhelmed is common to all of us, hon! Break things down in to manageable parts...and (gasp) the hell with the rest....

do you remember the Cabana Girl toast...to us and those who love us and to those we love...and the hell with the rest.

It works

Jayne said...

Reminds me of Alexander... and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. When we can't take care of "us," then everything suffers. Give yourself a big, warm hug and find a day to nurture your spirit. :c)

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