falling behind

I tried to take a day off yesterday. An occasional work-related email is fine on such a day, but yesterday one thing led to another. Before I knew it I was at the church for three hours moving furniture and doing my part to pave the way for classrooms to get set up for a relaunch of our Sunday school program this Sunday. The odd thing about this is that I was trying to stay out of the way so that other people could claim their ministry and it wouldn't all fall on me to get done. And yet, there I was. Part of this is a boundary issue I have trouble negotiating with Ken. He thinks nothing of bringing up church-related matters any time he's thinking about them. After a scathing "this is your fault" diatribe I told him to go away. I actually used those words, and he backed out of the room and let me be, knowing he'd crossed the line. He still doesn't get it, though. When I resisted the trip to the church I told him I was trying to take the day off, and he understood that. He's acknowledged how much I work and how hard I work. And still.

I feel like I'm falling behind in every aspect of my life. I can't keep up with the house, with the job, with my friends and family. I can't even keep up with caring for myself. I have no social life. I feel taken for granted. It feels like Lent. Oh wait, it is Lent! But this goes deeper than Lent. There is grief, and lament, and mystery/bafflement about how life got offtrack. I was working so hard to getting it on a track that included hope, and joy, and promise.

Maybe this is just a bad day because it began with dogs jumping all over me in bed and waking me up. Today I simply lack the wherewithall to push all the crap aside and enjoy the sun before the rain sets in. I need a glimpse of Easter, a reminder that new life emerges from the ashes of old. I need a taste of life.