I have had a lot of trouble focusing the last few days. The world feels jumbled and chaotic. My mind races and is restless but my body is weary. I want to pitch in and help with flood recovery, but I have no energy to follow through on that desire. There are things that I need to do to help move the church forward in some concrete directions. The house needs attention, inside and out. I've begun to tackle the yard, and there is a lot to be done there. The dogs... we are in desperate need of a fence for the yard (the invisible fence we installed has gone kaput). Limiting their time outdoors to being on leashes is making two of them crazy, which in turn plays on our nerves. Locally I really don't have any friends that I can count on for a reprieve from the chaos.
Perhaps worst of all is that I've entered a period of vocational distress that is pressing down on me hard. I'm not sure I want to talk about it here because it picks at old and perpetual scabs, hard enough for be to tend without exposing them to wider scrutiny.
There ARE good things. Kenneth and Trisha are beginning to make their life together as a married couple. They are ridiculously cute! My goddaughter's sister was in town the other day and I had a chance to see her. The roses in bloom around town are extraordinarily beautiful this spring. My Mom will be here for a short visit in a couple of weeks. The relationship with my step-daughter is improving. It looks like the best dancers will make it to the finals on Dancing with the Stars (it's a small victory, but aren't we supposed to be grateful for the small things?).
I'm trying to wrap myself in the grace that comes my way each day, and hold on to the love that is expressed through those divine moments. They feel too fleeting at times--more like a glaze than a marinade (this is a favorite metaphor from the late Urban Holmes, a theologian from Sewanee, which I am adapting slightly here.) I'm not trying to whine, but to unload my heart and mind to those who come here because they care.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be spending the day at a local university as a judge for a middle school "geography bowl." I'm hoping it will be fun. I have no idea what we'll do tomorrow night, but I fear that the social isolation I feel will be manifest in whatever plans are made.
Sorry to dump. Thanks for listening. I'm praying for resolution and movement and a lessening of the degree of chaos. Know that you are cherished for coming here.