Tuesday, September 29, 2009

another blurry day

That's me this morning. Slept in because I had to get fasting blood drawn, and the less time between rising and getting to the medical unit that does that sort of thing, the better! And then back home to enjoy my morning ritual of coffee and computer, and a chance for a quick word here before getting back into the car for another appointment. And then after that another errand. And after that... It's not that no one else in the world has days like this, but of late this kind of day works to compress other factors at work in my life and I begin to feel fragmented.

It strikes me as ironic that as I learn more about mindfulness and work to integrate knowledge and the practice of that discipline into my days, and hence my life, that I have difficulty keeping things in mind. Those two things aren't related, of course, except that they involve the mind. Critical and essential responsibilities are tended, but beyond that? I can't keep focused. I had planned to do something on Sunday that is a priority for me, but here it is Tuesday and I'm not sure when I will be able to get to it. It's not about time management, motivation, or clarity of priorities or purpose. There's something deeper that prevents me from being fully present to myself, my needs and desires. I'm working on that, but as I do that work, it is very frustrating to me to feel so unable to feel in charge of my own day.

For now I'm taking charge of being on time to my next appointment. That will have to do for the next hour.
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2 comments:

KimQuiltz said...

I can SO relate.

I have been practicing NOT stressing out about not getting something done in the time or way I would like to have. It is what it is, as long as I've done my best (and only _I_ know what that is) then I don't do anyone any favors by unnecessarily suffering self-punishment. Way too much has been flying through my life lately, if I can only catch and capture a few of those things, well, so be it!

Jayne said...

Now that I am home more, I find the same thing.... I need to find structure to fill my days, and the best days are ones where I am busy and accomplish something. Why can't we just allow ourselves to sometimes "be" and not "do?" Sigh... struggling right along with you. XOXO

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